


Loss

by Keiko_Yue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grieving Dean, M/M, Recap from Pre-Series to Season 12, my emotional breakdown after season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:21:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keiko_Yue/pseuds/Keiko_Yue
Summary: Dean has lost so many thing in his life, there's barely something left to take away anymore."He lost his Mom.You’re not supposed to lose your Mom, when you’re four years old.You’re supposed to get goodnight kisses and your favorite meal – meat loaf! – for diner and to beg her to buy you some chocolate or candy or other sweets you want just because. But you’re not supposed to remind the last memory you have of your Mom again and again without talking about itever."





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of season 12 final feelings while I'm in a bad mood generally. Can't wait for Dean's grieving right now!
> 
> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in here - english isn't my native language, but I'm really trying! Please, tell me if you find mystakes so I can set them alright!

He lost his Mom.

You’re not supposed to lose your Mom, when you’re four years old.

You’re supposed to get goodnight kisses and your favorite meal – meat loaf! – for diner and to beg her to buy you some chocolate or candy or other sweets you want just because. But you’re not supposed to remind the last memory you have of your Mom again and again without talking about it _ever._

He lost his home then.

He lost his room, his bed, his toys. He lost the feeling of being home. The feeling, when you’re wrapped in a cozy blanket with a cup of hot chocolate, watching your favorite movie once again. Being wrapped in a worn-out blanket and counting the trees roll by to fall asleep, while his Dad drove silent for hours straight, felt nothing alike. Nor did the dreary atmosphere of rundown furniture and loveless design each and every single motel he’d seen have in common.

 

He lost his childhood. He lost it way to soon.

He saw the other kids, playing at the playground, inviting each other to their birthday parties full of funny games and pies. He saw them participate in contests, join the football-club or the school band. But he gave up being envious very soon.

He was important! He got a job! That was how to make his father proud.

It’s hard to be a mother _and_ a father _and_ a big brother at the same time when you’re only a child. So he wasn’t anymore.

He remembers a trip where one of his schoolmates started crying because of a dog barking at him. The last time he cried, was the first time he saw a ghost. ‘Don’t be a wimp! You need to be strong to fight this!’ So it goes.

Nobody ever asked him if he was ready to be strong and face the cruelty of reality. It’s not that his opinion mattered anyway.

 

He lost his father.

First, he lost his faith in him. When his father wasn’t home and Sammy got sick and he just didn’t know what to do. When his father found out about… _things_ … and he showed him how much of a disappointment he was. When his father wasn’t able to keep together this little bit of a family they still were.

Then he lost John.

The only real role model he ever had. The person, who taught him everything he knew. The person, who led him through this life so far.

It took years to stop feeling miserable. Because of John’s death. Because he felt relieved about it. Both.

 

Years before, he lost Brian. The first guy he ever kissed.

And, _god_ , did he beat him up for that.

It was after sport lesson, when he shoved Brian into a corner and just kissed him. A moment later he got a fist in his stomach. Brian beat the shit out of him, but, before he bolted, Brian kissed him once more.

They never talked about it.

 

He lost Cassie.

She was the girl he thought that could be _the one_.

She was lovely and cheeky both at the same time. And she was understanding. At least he thought she would be. But dealing with whom he really was was too much for her.

That was, when he realized that it would be hard to find someone outside of his family to understand him.

 

The first time he saw Sam die, a piece of him died, too.

Being left alone in this doomed world, unable to keep safe what meant the most to him – it broke him.

Seeing Sam’s dead body was cruel. He lost his little kid brother. He lost the only one, who was left of his family.

 

He lost himself somewhere for all the years he spent in hell.

The sense of guilt for what he did never stopped. Countless souls tortured till nothing was left but pain and agony.

He left the world with taking his father as an example one last time, but down there, there was no one who cared, no one who could have been disappointed.

It’s hard to command yourself for years.

 

Later, he lost Lisa.

He tried it. He really did.

He checked the little calendar they hung up in the kitchen every day to be sure not to forget any date. However, he read the newspaper as shallow as possible.

The apple pie life: it was nice to get a slight comprehension about it just once.

But he was used to fuck things up. Why should this have been an exception?

 

He lost Bobby.

He lost a college, a mentor, a friend.

He lost the person he wished to call ‘Dad’.

Therefore, he got a reminder about what hunting really means: Being taken out of this life at a moment’s notice. The clock is ticking faster, when you’re dealing with monsters the entire day.

 

He lost Charlie.

He lost the little sister he had never known he wanted and _needed_.

He had always hope for a chance to just _talk_ to her. Because she was smart and understanding and tough. She would have known…. She would have been a good friend. She was.

 

He lost Benny.

Someone who was a friend when he needed it the most. A friend he wasn’t worth.

‘You never let your friends down, huh?’, Benny had said, when they backed down at night, unable to sleep, unable to find some rest.

He knew, always did, that he wouldn’t have made it without Benny. What he got in return was not fair.

 

He lost part of his humanity.

A huge part, back then when he turned all demon.

It was peaceful not to give a shit about anything. But the compunction hit him as soon as his eyes refused to turn black again.

He hurt everyone, who cared for him. And there was no way to atone it.

He lost the faith in himself. If there even ever was any.

 

He lost Crowley

He never expected this to hurt something awful.

He lost the demon, whom he never dared to fully trust, but maybe should have.

Because he lost Crowley the friend, not the enemy.

But there was not even time for grieving.

 

Because he lost Cas.

And that’s all he can think about right know.

He can’t bear losing Cas. Losing him again.

The angel, who’s supposed to overdue time, but kept getting hurt and dying, is gone again. It never felt that ultimate before.

He lost the one, who hold him up above everyone, without doubt; Without getting anything in return. He never asked why. But thinking about answers now only makes it worse. Thinking about _what if_ never hurt more.

He lost Cas.

 

It’s been hours since the heat of the flames fades from his face, since the whole pyre burned down, leaving nothing but ashes. And Dean.


End file.
